Pigs, the Other Non-Newtonian Fluid
Marlow the bearded collie is getting a bit senile in his old age. He spends most evenings sitting by the front door, barking protecting us from the unseen burglars ducks, murderers geese flying overhead, and joy riders cars coming down to the neighbours’ glamping site. We spend the hours of darkness reassuring him that we are safe and that he can just come lay down by the fire and that, no, the ducks do not pose a threat to life.
In the daylight hours, however, his collie hyper-vigilance comes into its own. Marlow believes in order and operates on a series of simple laws:
Peahens belong on the roof and never ever in the walled garden or courtyard
Gus is definitely not allowed to touch his ball when playing fetch.
Aillish the goat can be where ever she likes because she is the single most terrifying thing ever.
There is one law that trumps them all though. The pigs most definitely belong in the field and never ever anywhere else. The moment a pig’s nose crosses into forbidden territory, he lets us know with an ear-splitting bark that can be heard from all corners of the house. His howl sets off Gus, who in turn sets off the pea hens, who then upset the chickens. By the time we have our shoes on, the entire 7 acres of Gartur is vibrating with the pig alarm.
One would think with a professionally stock fenced field, plenty of food and a cozy warm bed we would have limited need for the Pig Alarm. This was certainly the case for the first 2 years of our pig keeping adventure. Loretta Lynn and Boy Boy did escape on occasion, but that was inevitably due to human error - gate left open, a shed not fully closed.
And then came the arrival of Sausage and Bacon. One minute they would be in their enclosure and the next they would be at the kitchen door. Within days of their arrival, we had to add layer after layer of security - extra lines of electric fence, pallets shoring up any small gap between the ground and the fence, a new, steel enforced bed they couldn’t get out of.
At first we thought it was just an issue of size - at 8, 10, 12 weeks old they were just small enough to get through under the fence and a few weeks of feeding and growing would put a stop to their ability to wriggle through.
We realised the flaw in our logic a few months later. We had assumed the normal laws of physics applied to pigs.
While the pigs appear to be a solid mass, especially when trying to move them, we have come to understand that they are actually classed as a non-newtonian fluid changing to liquid to slip through the smallest of gaps in fencing.
Non-Newtonian fluids… don’t follow the same “rules” as Newtonian fluids. Instead of responding to temperature, the viscosity of a non-Newtonian fluid changes with the amount of pressure applied.
And so like ketchup when it is shaken or cornstarch paste when it is poured, we have come to note the range of triggers that make the pigs switch to liquid form
1. Changing out of our gross chore clothes and putting on something nice.
2. Being in a rush to get out of the house and go literally anywhere. The number of pigs that escape is directly related to how many children you are attempting to get ready to go with you and how many swear words you thought whilst doing so.
3. Someone in authority turning up at the house. This could be the landlord, social work for a fostering assessment, literally anyone to whom the appearance of a pig will be marked as a tick against you.
4. Any situation where it is imperative there be quiet. Especially after you say out loud 'there can't be any interruptions' this ensures there will be pig-shaped interruptions.
The result is always the same - a pig slips under the fence and BAM! the entire farm, neighbourhood and village know that laws of physics have been broken. We run out, grabbing whatever food we can find to entice the pigs back into a field.
We pray that whatever fix we put in place will last, but know that we when that fails, Marlow, guardian the of the farm, will let us know that pig liquidity has been reached.
Thanks for reading Life in The Making!
