Posts tagged pregnancy
I Think You Should Probably Sit Down...

Eight weeks ago, Kevin and I were walking with the kids through the park.  As we walked under the big tree at the far end, our conversation turned to what we would do next with our lives.

"I can feel that there is a big change coming, something huge" I replied.

That night, I stepped out of bed and landed on a foot that didn't hurt* and I knew instantly what that change would be. I walked into the bathroom and dug to the bottom of the drawers and found what would confirm the thing I already knew.

Two lines told me in one second that...

...exclusive breastfeeding every two hours day and night...

...having extremely limited "couple time"...

...having had to give up breast feeding and trying for a year and a half for baby Georgia...

...co-sleeping...

...were not contraception enough.

A new little life will be joining us in early April 2011. For anyone counting, I am due just days after Georgia's first and Ellis' fourth birthday. 

I can not tell you the news was met with open arms.  There have been a lot of tears, a lot of heart ache, a lot of guilt. We had to begin telling people almost instantly.  I needed to see about special formula for Georgia, in case my supply dropped.  We needed more help than just having two children normally neccessitates.  I needed people to talk to as my focus careened to a new world view, to being a mother of three.

The responses we received have been mixed, to say the least.  Congratulations are weighed equally against the "I didn't know that was possible" and "How are you going to cope?".

We have heard a lot about our "bad luck". 

At first, I believed that it was bad luck.  I focussed on it. No, I obsessed about it. I cried over it. I yelled it as I slammed the door.

One night, I realised I was wrong.  My pregnancy isn't bad luck at all--it is a miracle.  Against all of the odds and precedent, this little life was formed.  As a friend wrote "This is a little soul who obviously wants very much to be part of your family."  Yes indeed.  And who am I to do anything but welcome him/her with open arms? 

Slowly hope has built, along with the nausea and exhaustion.  Its not something we were expecting, in fact the odds were essentially against us. But its here, this new life, ripping our plans to shreds and turning our world upside down.

We needed some time to get used to the topsy turviness. Now, upside down turns out to be OK.  It has forced us to ask ourselves lots of questions and to look hard at where we are and what we are doing.

As I write this, we don't have the answers.  I don't know when or if we will, but the fear that came with the realisation has faded. We are stepping forward into a new world as a family of five. And its a good world...and scary and full and overwhelming and exciting and exhausting and good.

Plus, I've never met a baby I didn't fall hopelessly in love with, so we'll be just fine. 

* I suffer from plantar faciitis in my left foot.  The only time it doesn't hurt is when my body is flooded with the pregnancy hormone relaxin. 

This Is What Denial Looks Like

Notice the new blog layout?

See these lovely granny squares?

baby granny circle blanket

Dare I tell you that the photoshoot for said granny squares that took me an hour, including re-winding the balls of yarn and editing the photos? And I don't like the picture and actually contemplated retaking and re-editing them?

granny circle square blanket

yarn 2

None the less, isn't denial pretty?

This weekend past, Kev and I went to the local store for baby goods to buy a fair few items on our "list" for our impending arrival.  Kevin kept holding up various items on said list for my comment and I would go blank and respond something to the effect of "I am not buying that at that price" and walk away (honestly though, who spends £21 on a bucket to give their baby a bath in??  Its a bucket?**).  Or I would go slightly glassy-eyed and say something to the effect of..."mmmmm...hmmmm..." He'd sigh, roll his eyes and walk away. We left with a bed guard.

I mean, its not like I am 34 weeks pregnant with a history of pre-term labour or anything?  I have plenty of time to get ready for the baby.

34 weeks pregnant

Wait, what!?!  I AM 34 weeks pregnant with a history of preterm labour??? 

I really should get off the computer and deal with the not so pretty side of denial, like the cupboard under the stairs, washing baby clothes and nappies, vacuum up the golf-ball sized dust bunnies that have accumulated between the printer and the wall, cooking some meals to put in the freezer, organising who on earth is going to watch Ellis if I have an emergency transfer to hospital in the middle of the night.

big mess

But you know, the baby DOES need a baby blanket...and it'd be a shame if all of that gorgeous soft yarn I got in the bargain bin at the yarn store went to waste...

(**I am really sorry if any one reading has spent £21 on a bucket to give their baby a bath in...I am not judging you, it is one of those things that my brain can not grasp.  Like why Kate Bush wrote a song about a washing machine or who exactly thought that scented baby wipes would enhance a nappy changing experience.)

Oh, by the way, are the pictures too big on the blog?  I don't want people to have to scroll around too much to see them.  I may have another play to make sure.

And Dearest, Dearest Mother- please note that I wrote a really sappy post about how much I miss you and I want to spend your Birthday with you, but a) it too involved an elaborate photoshoot and a stuffed chicken and b) I didn't want to make you cry while you are on a business trip.  Happy Birthday anyway!

OK, now I am really going to go clean.

After a cup of tea.

How We Do Things

::Complex photoshoots take place here...mostly involving yarn and food (sometimes both in the same shot)

yarn

:: A combination of an over the door shoe organiser and old jam jars makes a great children's craft supply organiser (whilst shoes most often lay piled at the bottom of the stairs, making it impossible to open the front door all the way).

06Jan2010_5607

::'Grumpy' is Ellis' favourite new word.  And if he doesn't want to do something, he's "sick and needs to lie down".  Where does he get these things?

::These shelves from ikea make great book display/library book collection so I don't pay Stirling Council even more money in fines (Ok, so that doesn't work that well, but, you know, I consider my library fines charitable donations at this stage).

06Jan2010_5612

:: Seashells are our bath toy of choice (when I am able to hide the sharks).

06Jan2010_5619

Hmmm...feeling a bit grumpy this morning, think I'll go lie down.

Remedy

The last day and a half has been full of a lot of upset.  Personal and professional issues seemed to come all at once and I found myself at lunchtime on Wednesday in a full-blown anxiety attack.  You know how it goes:

pregnancy

+

hormones

+

the strange vortex that surrounds completely unrelated but important areas of your life to develop cracks all at once

=

STRESS.

And so, I walked away from the computer, left my phone upstairs and ran with my son into the beautiful Autumn afternoon.

Carving Pumpkins

Painted Jack

An Autumn Drive

Stones

Love

At the Crossroads

Just some fresh air and each other's company turned a rather dreadful few days into an afternoon full of laughter and wonder and joy.  It was what I needed.  And the vortex turned...negative things gave way to a lot of positivity and good things coming our way.