I don't really want to talk. Or cook. Or write. Or wipe noses or floors, do the dishes, play "choo choo", read stories, sing songs, go to playgroups or to the park. I do not want to make play dough or cake or dinner or lunch or breakfast or second breakfast. I do not want to pay the bills or listen to the crying. I do not want to give baths or brush hair or change nappies or tackle the mountain of laundry.
The interuptions that come at 5 minute intervals send me snappy and on edge. I wish I could say that the 6,000 lego spaceship of the day was more interesting than a new design or the need of a 10 month old to be held all day long was as fufilling.
But, its not. They aren't.
I love them. I love their little noses and blue eyes. I love their funny laughs and their messy hair. The way Georgia says "Thchoo -Thchoo" instead of "Choo Choo". The way Ellis says "I got it from my brain" when congratulated on a good idea. The way Theo gives open mouth kisses on demand. I love them so much...
But the constant pull is there. I want to be with them, but I want to be working or not even working, just doing something else. Something that is wholly me and not someone else.
And then, that means that I end up doing most things badly. Half-attention and stolen moments are not the way to do anything well from designs to laundry.
And so today, I will not be working. I will put it down and draw a line under it so that the talking, cooking, writing, wiping of noses and floors, doing of the dishes, playing "choo choos", the washing of laundry and all of the other things I *need* to do can get done well and without shouting or crying...
...plus we've run out of underwear.
*pictured: Texere Chunky Wool