If you could do anything, what would you do?

Its been a question I have been asking myself a lot over the last few days, sparked by some interest in my hat designs by a childrenswear distributor. 

From the moment the email hit my inbox, I have spent every free moment plotting my rise to the top of the children's textile industry.  I have looked into manufacturers, contacted other designers, spoke to the Cultural Enterprise Office and thought and planned and dreamed.

 

I do not know where it is going.  It may be a nonstarter. That will also be OK, because above and beyond anything, this process has got me thinking about what I want be it in a creative field or not. Do I want to move more into design and making? Do I want to invest in photography? What about writing? 

The answers evade me...or more accurately the answers constantly change when I either love or get frustrated with what I am doing. But some very clear things have emerged:

- I need to be working in some way, both for my sanity and for my bank balance

- When I envision this work, for both practical (childcare, the job market) and interest reasons, it needs to be working from home at this stage

- I enjoy design immensely, I am very much a frustrated perfectionist when it comes to finished products...and I am slow...and I have children who are into EVERYTHING

- Debt takes away choices.  Because while ultimately there are many things I (and in many cases 'We') would like to do, our finances keep us back. 

And finally, this process has thrown the spotlight back onto this blog. In many ways, it is the reason I have this opportunity in the first place. I have always maintained that this space is just about recording our lives.  I do craft and I sell some hats, but ultimately I hold firmly to my mission statement:

"Instructions for living a life. 
Pay attention. 
Be astonished. 
Tell about it." 
— Mary Oliver

However, in most every single conversation about my future, this blog comes up at top of the list of my 'resources'. Am I kicking a gift horse by not using the blog to make money and support my family a little bit and grow my own 'business'? Should I be actively promoting myself? (The thought of which makes me cringe a little bit inside. Not to mention, even if I could get any 'further')

At the end of the day, I don't know the answer to any of these questions and the future remains full of mystery...

...and children and laundry and the school run and cleaning up the toast that someone not only managed to throw onto the floor, but step in and drag butter-side down across the kitchen...