Posts in navel gazing
Apparently Its Entirely Possible

to have a lung/chest infection and not know it.  Its seems that my breathlessness, rib pain and general crappy feeling wasn't just normal pregnancy discomfort, but an actual infection that I may have been harbouring for weeks.  So its bed rest and antibiotics for me...neither things I agree to lightly.

And so, if you are looking for me, I will be upstairs with this

bed rest and cake

finishing this

bed rest

and trying not to worry too much about my career going down the toilet with yet another pregnancy related absence.

At Least I Can Spell Equanimity
colourful contemplation
At the camp where Kevin and I met, there was a young boy who would come every year for a week during the summer.  He was about 7, had a visual impairment and learning disabilities. He was very sweet and fast became a favourite of all of the counsellors.
One of the things I remember about him was his ability to spell the word, "Equanimity".  He would repeat it over and over and all of us were incredibly impressed with his alphabetical prowess.  It took a few days until we all admitted we didn't know what "equanimity" meant and asked him.  It turns out, he didn't either. He had been taught how to spell it by rote.
Someone found a dictionary, and we learned that Equanimity means: composure or steadiness of mind under stress.
I think about that wee boy a lot.  He pops into my head when I find myself rushing about in the mornings to get ready for swimming/playgroup/work.
I catch glimpses of him in my overflowing wash basket.
Or in the pile of dishes I have to scurry to get done before a friend pops round for a cup of tea.

Or when a small boy does not want to put his shoes/socks/coat on, every morning.

Or dealing with the third or fourth tantrum before lunchtime.

Sometimes I am able to remain, calm, collected.  But most of the time I find my blood pressure edging up ever so slightly and I can hear my inner voice tell me that I need to calm down. Then I think, "But at least I can spell equanimity." Its a start, right?
If I Run
Quoth the Raven

If I turned right, I could catch a cab, head to the airport.  If I go left, I'de be in the woods and fields and, eventually up the hills.

I love my family, of course.  I love them more than anything, more than I ever thought possible.

But I don't love the other stuff.  In fact I despise a lot of it...the mess.  The worry.  The endless tedium.  The constant and unpredictable call on my time/emotions/help.  The way in which, no matter what I do, its rarely the right choice.

If I run, maybe I can fool myself into thinking what I'll get is more than what I lose.

If I run, I won't have to do the dishes or put away laundry.

If I run, I can read a newspaper from start to finish without interruption.

If I run, I could carelessly leave a hot cup of coffee on low surfaces.

If I run, my clothes would remain free of the marks from a small face using them as a Kleenex.

If I run, I could spend hours in a book shop, drinking coffee, reading magazines and books, not in the children's section.

If I run, I could sit at the computer without help.

If I run, I could carry a smaller purse, without nappies and wipes and snacks and toys (well, maybe I'd keep the snacks).

But if I run, I will have to walk across the street without a little hand in mine.  If I run, I wouldn't be able to laugh that deep belly laugh that comes from watching Dada tickle Ellis.  If i run, I will be without some of the key elements that make me (not the only things that make me, but keystones in the building of Kat).

So I'll stay, ignore the dishes and the laundry and eat a tray of blueberry muffins instead.

My Big Boned Girl

Her mother was a racer and her father was a Cadillac.  My girl takes after her mother in shape and her father in size.   Her smooth ride more than makes up for her heftiness and slow start.  Bike-riding men drool over her curvy frame and wide seat.  From her bell to her lamp hook to her spokes and frame, she is 100% authentic.

Bessie, the 1950 Raleigh 3 Speed bicycle, found her way to me a few years ago.  I had cast my wish for an old-school bike out into the universe and that call was answered a few days later by a lovely woman on freecycle. Bessie and I have toured around the rolling hills and villages of Berkshire and across the Carse of Stirling. She has been my commuting transport, my grocery hauler, my lazy sunday ride to a cafe, my conversation piece.

Her expansive backside won't hold standard child bike seats.  Only one of the 3 gears works and her brakes only work some of the time. She is old.  Maybe should be retired.  But she is mine.



Only Thumbs

Well, I seem to be unable to do anything at the minute.  I have been up since 4, and have achieved NOTHING! But worse than that, I have caused complete carnage with everything I have done.  No really. 

1. I waxed my own eyebrows.  I don't need to say anything else other than, do not expect any pictures of my face for about 6 weeks.  If I do see you in person,  no, I am not giving you a quizzical look.

2. I have sustained a catalogue of injuries, including, but not limited to: hitting my head on the corner of the kitchen table, stabbing a fork into my forearm, burning myself on the stove,  having a door slammed into my back, pulling a muscle in my neck and discovering a huge bruise on my thigh...that was all before 11am. 

3. I tried to make a gorgeous bag, based on the design of the art tote I made.  Well, to say that I messed it up would be an understatement.  My sewing machine and I are no longer on speaking terms and while yes, it MAY have been my fault, Fred (the sewing machine) wasn't being helpful.  He sustained a slew of abusive language and is now sitting in the corner.

4. So, I decided to fuse some plastic bags.  However, I forgot to turn down the heat setting and it was still on linen from the first bag and it completely shredded the bags.  It was tesco soup, all over my ironing board...lovely. We don't use many plastic bags, so I couldn't retry.  I did consider ordering my next grocery shop with bags, but that really defeats the purpose of green crafting, hey?

5. I have been meticulously uploading the archives from the old site and I lost and will have to re upload about 15 posts.  It is so mind-numbingly boring that I may have to wait.  I am up to July of last year, which isn't bad.

6.  After all of that, I decided to put on my wellies and try to tidy up the garden.  as I was walking outside, I stepped on a dead mouse that the cats brought me.  "Eeew!" is not nearly comprehensive enough.

I am going to go upstairs for a restart, put on the bath, make a cup of tea and dig into one of these:


It seems that today is not my day for doing, so I may have to concentrate on being.

(sorry the pictures are worse than usual, Kev took my camera!)


So, reading the last few posts, I realise how negative they all sound, so here are some random thoughts from the last few days:

1.  On my way into work yesterday morning, I started composing a poem to my washing machine (if Ktae Bush can do it, why can't I).  It seems my poetic skills aren't very good and I only got as far as:
Washing Machine, Washing Machine
Your make my dirty laundry so clean
You are 20 years old and smell of mould
But to get a new model'd be obscene

Don't worry.  I am not giving up my day job

2. Ellis is convinced that choo choos go in the sky.  He will not be told otherwise.  I have yet to meet the person who can argue successfully with a two year old.  As an aside, apparently when I was 2, I used to argue with my oldest brother who is 11 years older than I am.  T is logical and persuasive, but I am stubborn and he used to give up in frustration.  I am beginning to understand...

3. I think I have to give up red wine (sob, sob).  If I have so much as a glass these days, I wake up feeling sick.  Someone may as well cut off my left arm. 

4. we tried taking a "fun family foto" last night.  This is what we came up with:

5. My house, which normally only falls into the disgraceful catagory from Thursday onward, hit this catagory on a Tuesday night.  Now the I attempt to rectify?  Or just give up and live in (marginal) squalor?

6. E Man is not a happy bunny this morning.  I can confirm that spirited/high need children are a wonderous gift to humanity.  However, on the days where the extreme sensitivity and tearfulness come out, its a challenge.  I think this afternoon we will go and take a long walk somewhere wooded.  That usually helps.

7.  If you haven't seen it already.  I really recommend reading Kate Evan's article in the Independent yesterday about miscarriage.  It is beautiful and touching and articulates so clearly the loss that women feel when you lose a baby in pregnancy.

What's in A Name?

As part of my new year's resolution, I am in the midst of redeveloping the website.  I am going to go with typepad, presuming I can get some kinks ironed out and I would also like to rename the blog to something a bit more catchy. 

So here are some ideas, but I am definitely open to suggestions:

Undomesticated Kat

Mama Gold

Slugs on My Refridgerator

Foreign Objects (you know, kev and I are foreigners)

Hmmm...need to think more

Testing 1,2...

Ok, so iWeb is just not doing it for me any more.  Whilst I like its simplicity, its functionality irritates me and I don't think its great value for money.  So I am trying out Typepad.  Its supposed to be much more functional with the addedd bonus of not having to be at the mac to blog (I can even blog through my phone, if I was so inclined).  Most irritatingly, it seems the comment function has completely dissappeared from iweb, and of course I need to get some sort of feedback from my audience.  Anyway, my big question is, will you all be able to access it?  I know some folks have problems with accessing blogger from certain computers, so we shall see.  Typepad does mean that the blog will connect to other blogs more easily...

I am just having a play at the moment and this site will only be up for a few days unless people decide they like it.